((( BREAKING THE LIGHT BARRIER )))

When I recently broke the light barrier, 

in my modified flying space garbage can, 

I instantly found myself in Alpha Centauri 

and was forced to fix the light barrier I had broken. 

I was hoping for an award or something

((( GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY )))

I must admit that the straight forward sci-fi plot of Guardians of the Galaxy was rather boring to me. Just another movie created to emotionally masturbate an audience of mostly knuckleheaded idiots. No great lessons that mankind needs to learn are included, at least none I could remember from between naps.

HOWEVER

A kid gets abducted by aliens, at the beginning of the movie, and he has a Walkman type cassette player with him and a cassette tape full of fantastic Baby Boomer oldies songs. The very concept that millions of light years away aliens are enjoying Earth Baby Boomer music of the 1960s and 70s is irresistible to a Baby Boomer like me.

Yes, that I really liked!

If I had known that the green woman, in the movie, was the same woman who played the lead female role in the movie Avatar I would most certainly have liked this movie better

((( A HORSE IS A HORSE )))

I don't suggest you try

to pin a tail on this 'donkey'

((( CHAIRMAN OF THE BORED )))

You probably don't realize this but

I AM CHAIRMAN OF THE BORED

Are you bored?

Well then, I'm your chairman!

((( THIS IS TRUE GREATNESS!! )))

SHARED:

LETTER OF COMMENDATION FOR OFFICERS:

K **DAYOS & T ***KMAN

8/28/2014

I saw something last night that made an impression upon me I feel will last the rest of my life. Coming out of the Earth natural foods market there were two excellent police officers looking down at a bum lying on the concrete. From the standpoint of an advanced Tai Chi Grandmaster I could 'see' qualities of the energy of these two officers that left me astounded. I can try to describe a...superhuman patience and kindness that went off the proverbial scales of average human patience and kindness.

Here they were treating a puke spitting apparently homeless bum as though he was a hopeless family member. They were so kind and so patient I was left speechless. I commented to them about this and they kind of shrugged their shoulders as though they hear so many lies from average people they just don't believe anything people say anymore. I sure don't blame them for feeling this way.

I looked around me and within my spirit I was yelling, “THIS IS TRUE GREATNESS!!!” but no one else 'saw' anything worth noting. However, if those police officers did something those people didn't like OH, THEY WOULD NOTICE ALRIGHT!!!! Human scum!!! I went back to my vehicle and suddenly realized that something had to be done to bring special attention to the greatness of these two officers. SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE and it finally dawned on me that if I didn't do something special NO ONE ELSE WOULD!!!!

I fumbled and finally found a pen and a receipt to write on and I got their names telling them I was going to write the police department and do my best to get them promoted. They kind of shrugged their shoulders obviously feeling I was just another liar full of empty talk.

So here I am sending you this letter in the hopes that, when considered for promotion, these two excellent police officers will be given the promotions they so rightly deserve!


From Your Friend,

*******************

((( BEHIND BLUE EYES )))

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man, to be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like

To be hated, to be fated

To hearing mostly lies

But my dreams, they aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance that's never free

No one knows what it's like

To feel these feelings like I do

And I blame you

No one bites back as hard

On their anger, none of my pain and woe

Can show through

But my dreams, they aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance that's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open

Before I use it and lose my cool

When I smile, tell me some bad news

Before I laugh and act like a fool

And if I swallow anything evil

Put your finger down my throat

And if I shiver, please give me a blanket

Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man, to be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

*New Karaoke Song with Modified Lyrics

dedicated to the Police Force

((( COME AND GET YOUR LOVE )))

Hey (hey) What's the matter with your head? yeah

Hey (hey) What's the matter with your mind and your sign?

And-a ooh-ohh

Hey (hey) Nothin's a matter with your head, baby, find it

Come on and find it

Hell, with it, baby, 'cause you're fine and you're mine

And you look so divine

Come and get your love

Come and get your love

Come and get your love

Come and get your love

Hey (hey) What's the matter with your feel right?

Don't you feel right, baby?

Hey, oh, yeah, get it from the main vine, alright

I said-a find it, find it, darling, love it

If you like it, yeah-eh

Hey (hey) It's your business if you want some

Take some, get it together, baby

Come and get your love

Come and get your love

Come and get your love

Come and get your love

Come and get your love, come and get your love

Come and get your love, now

Come and get your love, come and get your love

Come and get your love, now

Come and get your love, come and get your love

Come and get your love, now

Come and get your love, come and get your love

Come and get your love, now

Come and get your love

Come and get your love

Come and get your love

Come and get your love

Hey (hey) What's the matter with your feel right?

Don't you feel right, baby?

Hey, oh, yeah, get it from the main vine, alright

La,la,la,la,la,la, (come and get your love)

La,la,la,la,la,la, (come and get your love)

La,la,la,la,la,la, (come and get your love)

La,la,la,la,la,la, (come and get your love)

La,la.la,la,la,la,la,la,la (come and get your love)

La,la.la,la,la,la,la,la,la (come and get your love)

La,la.la,la,la,la, (come and get your love)

La,la.la,la,la,la,la,la,la (come and get your love)

*New Karaoke Song

((( MOTHER'S LITTLE HELPER )))

What a drag it is getting old

"Kids are different today", I hear every mother say

Mother needs something today to calm her down

And though she's not really ill, there's a little yellow pill

She goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper

And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day

"Things are different today", I hear every mother say

Cooking fresh food for a husband's just a drag

So she buys an instant cake and she burns her frozen steak

And goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper

And to help her on her way, get her through her busy day

Doctor, please, some more of these

Outside the door, she took four more

What a drag it is getting old

"Men just aren't the same today", I hear every mother say

They just don't appreciate that you get tired

They're so hard to satisfy, you can tranquilize your mind

So go running for the shelter of a mother's little helper

And four help you through the night, help to minimize your plight

Doctor, please, some more of these

Outside the door, she took four more

What a drag it is getting old

"Life's just much too hard today", I hear every mother say

The pursuit of happiness just seems a bore

And if you take more of those, you will get an overdose

No more running for the shelter of a mother's little helper

They just helped you on your way, through your busy dying day, hey

*New Karaoke Song

When I found out this song 

was a social commentary on the dangers of the drug Valium

nicknamed: Mother's Little Helper

and considering the uniqueness of the musical arrangement of the song

I thought I would learn it to jam with, if nothing else

((( THE SURVIVING AWARENESS OF ROBIN WILLIAMS )))

I tend to have a strong spiritual connection with certain prominent people when they die that is obviously amplified by my admittedly vivid imagination.

My whole life stopped and went to proverbial 'half-mast' when I read that Robin Williams had committed suicide. It really hit me hard. I could feel his spirit communicating with me before and after his trial with God. Before he was in a darkness that I believe is a 'waiting room' of sorts and he could sense that his only hope was to do his best to make me funnier. I was angry at the thought that I was being tricked again by my imagination or some impostor demonic force and I drunkenly yelled: IF YOU DON'T MAKE ME FUNNIER I'LL THROW YOU INTO HELL MYSELF, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! WHAT ARE ASPIRING COMICS SUPPOSED TO DO IF THEY HAVE A BAD NIGHT? THINK OF YOU AND KILL THEMSELVES???

After Robin's trial there was much more light around him and he seemed very happy. In my mind's eye I could see that he looked young and in his prime. Robin was relieved that he could finally think clearly again. His financial problems from being too generous and being bled proverbially dry by his ex-wives was over and so were his alcohol and substance abuse issues.

Robin Williams told me his trial with God ended something like this:

ROBIN:  Gosh, thank you so very much for forgiving me because of the powerful anti-depressant medication I was taking that made me suicidal and robbed me of my creativity. Plus knowing I had parkinsons disease to look forward to didn't help AT ALL!! Not to mention my ex-wives who were sending me into bankruptcy. I don't think there is an American male out there who doesn't sometimes fantasize killing himself just so that he doesn't have to pay alimony.

GOD: I understand

ROBIN: So then the rumors are true that Jesus survived the cross and was eventually forced to pay alimony?

GOD: NO!!!

ROBIN: I understand

Well, I'm going to do my best to make your chosen one funny, but...well...we both know that I tend to curse when I do comedy. I mean, that's me! I hope you don't mind...too much

GOD:  It's okay, as long as you don't overdo it

ROBIN:  When do I overdo it?

GOD:  YOU ALWAYS OVERDO IT!!!

ROBIN:  shit!

GOD: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

ROBIN:  By the time I get through with this guy NO ONE will consider electing him as a 'true prophet of God'

GOD:  I'm sure he'll appreciate that!

ROBIN:  For the life of me I can't imagine any jokes I'd want to tell the audience while I'm being stoned to death

GOD:  It seems to me you'd want to tell your jokes BEFORE they decide to stone you

ROBIN:  If the audience is anything like the CBS television network they'd stone me no matter when I decide to tell my jokes. That show would not have been canceled if I was allowed to say “FUCK YOU” at least once in every episode. It would have given the show a sincerity it desperately needed

GOD:  Well, you give it your best. That's all I ask

ROBIN:  And if I don't...TO HELL WITH ME!!!!!! Got it!!!



And so...

If you believe in reincarnation pray you don't come back as a pair of my undershorts because I eat so much Mexican food whenever I fart I'm tempted to yell: FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!!!! It doesn't take long before my poor underpants look like someone was dropping tiny Hiroshima bombs in the area where I explode. Oh, brace yourself!!!

((( FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!! )))

I've noticed that more and more people are driving electric cars. The thought of having solar panels on the roof of your house and an electric car that all you have to do is plug in when you get home sounds appealing. Unless, of course, you live in an area of the world where the sun doesn't shine for 8 months out of the year. Break out the sled and husky dogs and pray they haven't turned gay. If they have I predict you're going to have a long wait before they get over that next 'hump'.

I think I'll wait until they come out with the 'Black Ho' version of an electric car. That's the electric car with a sensor that knows when you have arrived at your house. Just as you leave the car a black woman's voice yells:

“DON'T FOGET TO PUT THE PLUG IN MAH ASS, BITCH!!!!!!”




No one's laughing. Damn!!!!!

UPDATE:

Supposedly, Robin has asked God if he could share some important things he has learned since his death. God has, supposedly, given Robin permission to do so through me, but God says that he might as well not bother as, to the atheists, it will be just a lot of crazy nonsense. Still, Robin is determined to at least try before giving up and so:

Robin says he was an atheist at the time of his death and that if he truly believed in God he would not have taken his life as he did. Since he was certain he would cease to exist upon death he took his life in despair over his financial troubles and his inability to be funny and snap out of his depression.

Upon knowing he was actually dead he what shocked to find he still existed and suddenly realized that ALL ATHEISTS ARE DEAD WRONG!!! Awareness does indeed survive death!!! Upon realizing this he became incredibly afraid of the implications of as he noticed a darkness, unlike anything he had ever know, surround him. He instinctively knew he was supposed to patiently wait and review his life doing whatever he could to prepare himself for his audience with God.

Robin is not allowed to say too much about the matter, but he is allowed to say:

Staunch professional atheists like Richard Dawkins boldly say that evolution is a fact. For evolution to be a fact science would have to be able to demonstrate, with repeatable scientific experiments, that God does not exist and that consciousness and life can evolve from inanimate matter. Why? Because at the time of the supposed “Big Bang” any life that might have existed would most certainly have been completely destroyed in the explosion, that's why.

Of course, atheists like Richard Dawkins are too dumb, moronic ignorant to realize this and so boldly state that evolution is a fact with nothing to back it up besides a modicum of evidence and lots of wild mythological stories that gullible atheist suckers accept as hard, cold fact; brainwashed idiot fools that they are!

I mean, saying that a number of fossils proves conclusively that there is no God and that natural selection evolved life while having no conscious awareness and no overall purpose in doing so IS ABSOLUTELY LUDICROUS!!! If science had repeatable scientific experiments to back such a ridiculous claim science would have something to stand on. What evidence science does have is sorely inadequate to substantiate such an outrageous “theory”!

It must be remembered that a THEORY can eventually be proven incorrect while a FACT cannot eventually be proven incorrect. Until science can demonstrate how consciousness and life can evolve from inanimate matter the THEORY of evolution will always remain a “theory”, period!!

'I just learned that Satan has a son and daughter and is divorced. Why does it not surprise me that Satan is divorced? He tends to refer to his ex-wife as "THAT BITCH!!" I hear you, man, I hear you! Satan says that if it was around, at the time, he would have been married in a Catholic church with lots of pre-fondled choir boys in the "PEE-YOUs". I guess it doesn't take much imagination to envision that all the dead popes who ever existed do not find this joke funny. Then again, it's hard to find anything funny...when you're burning in hell, right?

Supposedly, it's horrible in hell, but...at least they're not bored'


-Robin Williams





'Let's get 'real', shall we. No matter how you 'slice' it, having a lesbian woman playing the part of Peter Pan just doesn't 'cut' it! So, I want everyone reading this to write the Disney corporation and tell them to kill their idea of having Rosie O'donnell play the new Peter Pan in the movie they are considering making. If Disney asks you how you knew tell them Robin Williams told you from beyond the realm of the dead. That should get their attention.

C'mon, man!  Rosie O'Donnell playing Peter Pan?? Not even gay guys like that concept!! Face it. Rosie will NEVER be voted home 'coming' 'queen' at any gay pride parade. That's a 'given', right?

-Robin Williams





'When I found out the guy who played the father in the TV show The Brady Bunch was gay I had me a hissy fit and started squealing like a pig! NOOOOOO, it couldn't be true, BUTT it was!!! Considering this, if they were to do a remake of the show for the 21st century I would imagine the theme song would be more along these 'lines':

Here's a story,

of a lesbian lady,

who was raising three very lovely girls,

the youngest one in curls,

Then she met,

a male gay fruity,

who was raising three boys of his own,

So they decided to get together,

and give up sex

The Brady Bunch

The Brady Bunch

That's the way they be-CAME

The Brady Bunch

~ Robin Williams ~

FROM AN ARTICLE ABOUT THE RIOTS IN FERGUSON MISSOURI. PRESIDENT OBAMA SAID:

“I’ll be watching over the next several days to assess whether, in fact, it’s helping rather than hindering progress in Ferguson,” the president said, underlining that he had expressed his concerns to Nixon by telephone."

MY COMMENT:

Obama has a telephone that can call the dead? Say hi to 'tricky Dickey' for me and, Obama, don't be shy! Give me a call!! My area code and number is:

000-000-SHIT

That's OH OH OH - OH OH OH SHIT and if you call in the next ten-minutes you'll get an extra call FREE! Just pay shipping and handling which, from Limbo, can be very expensive. Oh, did the Catholics do away with "Limbo"? We'll we're still dancing it here!!

'Limbo lower now. How low can you go!!'



What can I say? Dead people are desperate for a laugh


-Robin Williams









'Hey, it's not easy turning being bi-polar into a multi-million-dollar career with most of the money going to my ex-wives'


-Robin Williams








'I've got nothing against faggots. However, having two-heads results in having two opposing opinions on certain subjects. There are times when my willy reacts to a beautiful woman and I have to put willy in his place. 'NO, NO, NO!!! Down, boy!!!' So, I have nothing against faggots, but my 'Duck Commander' willy does. Should I deny my willy freedom of thought? If I put such matters to a democratic vote the vote is usually always tied and it's a stalemate. Willy votes yes and I vote no. Still, both of us agree that fucking ducks and fucking faggots is not in our best interest.

It's confession time:

When I first saw an ad for the movie Free Willy I automatically assumed it was a movie about sexual suppression. I asked myself why there was a picture of a kid and a whale advertising a movie about sexual suppression? When I found out Free Willy was a movie about a kid and a whale I was so embarrassed! I said to myself, "Man, you've got to start thinking more about fish!"


-Robin Williams








"OYE VAY, Erinie! Dat is wit-out a doubt the dumbest idea I have ever hoyd!! Ernie? Ernie Moskowitz are you listening to me??" And just like 'that' Ernie had died of a heart attack! I feel so bad about it because...I don't miss him at all.'

-Fido Moskowitz









'Since his accident, the hard of hearing actor Gary Busey is being considered nowhere near tactful enough to be on the hit show Celebrity Big Brother. I just watched his entrance to that show and here is a scene I would rather have seen:

Gary enters the Celebrity Big Brother house and is first met by a black man sporting dread locks.

BLACK DREAD:  Hi, my name is Jamal

GARY:  What?

BLACK DREAD:  My name is Jamal

GARY:  What? Another nigger named Jamal?? What are you buttfuckers taking over the Earth?

(Break to a commercial)

Is it any wonder why CBS cancelled my show?


-Robin Williams








'It wasn't too long ago that science change the pronunciation of their planet Uranus (it sure ain't my planet) from YOUR-ANUS to URINE US. Why? Obviously because urine smells a lot better than your anus, right?

Actually, I wouldn't mind urinating on science since they had me hopelessly addicted to drugs that eventually robbed me of all will to live. Fact of the matter is I'd rather pee on them than show them my anus. It's a safer option. You never can tell with these guys'


-Robin Williams







'What the heck is going on with all these TV commercials where talking farm and other animals need auto insurance? I mean, what has science been up to lately that farm animals, and geckos, need auto insurance? I think I saw one ad with a duck. Another with a frog, but I don't believe he's talking yet. Give science another year on that one.

I guess it's becoming normal for a cop to pull someone over and to find that a pig is driving the car. Well, at least the officer in the commercial didn't seem impressed. Makes you wonder what kind of sobriety test is given to a pig if he's suspected of drunk driving

((( SQUEEEEEEEEEEEAALLLLLL!!! )))

Like I always say: If you're gonna let your dog drive the car, make certain he has...a valid license'


-Robin Williams

((( SUMMERTIME BLUES )))

I'm gonna raise a fuss, I'm gonna raise a holler

About a workin' all summer just to try to earn a dollar

Every time I call my baby, and try to get a date

My boss says, "No dice son, you gotta work late"

Sometimes I wonder what I'm a gonna do

But there ain't no cure for the summertime blues

Well my mom and pop told me, "Son you gotta make some money,

If you want to use the car to go ridin' next Sunday"

Well I didn't go to work, told the boss I was sick

"Well you can't use the car 'cause you didn't work a late"

Sometimes I wonder what I'm a gonna do

But there ain't no cure for the summertime blues

I'm gonna take two weeks, gonna have a fine vacation

I'm gonna take my problem to the United Nations

Well I called my congressman and he said quote:

"I'd like to help you son but you're too young to vote"

Sometimes I wonder what I'm a gonna do

But there ain't no cure for the summertime blues

*New Karaoke Song

((( START ME UP )))

If you start me up

If you start me up I'll never stop

If you start me up

If you start me up I'll never stop

I've been running hot

You got me ticking gonna blow my top

If you start me up

If you start me up I'll never stop

Never stop, never stop, never stop

You make a grown man cry

You make a grown man cry

You make a grown man cry

Spread out the oil, the gasoline

I walk smooth, ride in a mean, mean machine

Start it up

If you start it up

Kick on the starter give it all you got, you got, you got

I can't compete with the riders in the other heats

If you rough it up

If you like it you can slide it up

Slide it up, slide it up, slide it up

Don't make a grown man cry

Don't make a grown man cry

Don't make a grown man cry

My eyes dilate, my lips go green

My hands are greasy, she's a mean, mean machine

Start it up

Start me up

Give it all you got

You got to never, never, never stop

Slide it up, baby just slide it up

Slide it up, slide it up, never, never, never

You make a grown man cry

You make a grown man cry

You make a grown man cry

Ride like the wind at double speed

I'll take you places that you've never, never seen

Start it up

Love the day when we'll never stop, never stop

Never, never, never stop

Tough me up

Never stop, never stop

You, you, you make a grown man cry

You, you make a dead man come

You, you make a dead man come

*New Karaoke Song

((( DANDELION )))

Prince or pauper, beggar man or thing

Play the game with every flower you bring

Dandelion don't tell no lies

Dandelion will make you wise

Tell me if she laughs or cries

Blow away dandelion

One o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock, four o'clock chimes

Dandelions don't care about the time

Dandelion don't tell no lies

Dandelion will make you wise

Tell me if she laughs or cries

Blow away dandelion, blow away dandelion

Tho' you're older now it's just the same

You can play the dandelion game

When you're finished with your childlike prayers

Well, you know you should wear it

Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailors, lives

Rich man, poor man, beautiful, daughters, wives

Dandelion don't tell no lies

Dandelion will make you wise

Tell me if she laughs or cries

Blow away dandelion, blow away dandelion

Little girls and boys come out to play, yes

Bring your dandelions to blow away

Dandelion don't tell no lies

Dandelion will make you wise

Tell me if she laughs or cries

Blow away dandelion, blow away dandelion

*New Karaoke Song

((( JUMPING JACK FLASH )))

I was born in a cross-fire hurricane

And I howled at my ma in the driving rain

But it's all right now, in fact, it's a gas

But it's all right. I'm Jumpin' Jack Flash

It's a gas! Gas! Gas

I was raised by a toothless, bearded hag

I was schooled with a strap right across my back

But it's all right now, in fact, it's a gas

But it's all right, I'm Jumpin' Jack Flash

It's a gas! Gas! Gas

I was drowned, I was washed up and left for dead

I fell down to my feet and I saw they bled

I frowned at the crumbs of a crust of bread

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I was crowned with a spike right thru my head

But it's all right now, in fact, it's a gas

But it's all right, I'm Jumpin' Jack Flash

It's a gas! Gas! Gas

Jumping Jack Flash, its a gas

Jumping Jack Flash, its a gas

Jumping Jack Flash, its a gas

Jumping Jack Flash, its a gas

Jumping Jack Flash

*New Karaoke Song

((( I WANT YOU BACK )))

Great instructional video. Just what I needed

I used to play this bass line many, many years ago

I needed a refresher course

GOT IT!!!!!!!!

Oh yes, I am that good on bass, baby!!

As a matter of fact

I'm BETTER now than I used to be because

I now play with my fingers instead of a pick

Couldn't do that before!

((( SHE'S LIKE A RAINBOW )))

She comes in colors everywhere

She combs her hair

She's like a rainbow

Coming, colors in the air

Oh, everywhere

She comes in colors

She comes in colors everywhere

She combs her hair

She's like a rainbow

Coming, colors in the air

Oh, everywhere

She comes in colors

Have you seen her dressed in blue?

See the sky in front of you

And her face is like a sail

Speck of white so fair and pale

Have you seen a lady fairer?

She comes in colors everywhere

She combs her hair

She's like a rainbow

Coming, colors in the air

Oh, everywhere

She comes in colors

Have you seen her all in gold?

Like a queen in days of old

She shoots colors all around

Like a sunset going down

Have you seen a lady fairer?

She comes in colors everywhere

She combs her hair

She's like a rainbow

Coming, colors in the air

Oh, everywhere

She comes in colors

She's like a rainbow

Coming, colors in the air

Oh, everywhere

She comes in colors

*New Karaoke Song